Media Free Sports

None of today’s homerun derby contestants could knock one into McCovey Cove? Maybe at next year’s derby the league should make corked bats and ephedra mandatory! The MLB homerun derby has naturally evolved into a non-event and has gone the way of the NBA’s slam dunk competition. It started out cool, but has now become a mind-numbingly boring waste of time. It should be replaced with some other type of non-sport. How about a hot-dog eating, poker playing, ucf style fighting, beer-swilling extravaganza?  The Non-Sports Decathlon starts off as a friendly game of poker, but can break out into a street fight at any moment. And all the while the contestants are chugging beer to gain extra points. Then down the most ball-park style hot-dogs without blowing choad and you gain even more bonus points (and cred with your homeys). The winner of the non-sport decathlon will not only win the coveted Pewter Medal (precision crafted by the Franklin Mint), but will also have their choice of a complementary gastric bypass, a free month at the Betty Ford Clinic or free trailer park rent paid for life. Get rid of  pitchers hiding behind nets and bring on the pitchers of beer. Let the non-sports games begin!

When is the NBA Draft? How about starting pre-season football early? There must be something exciting happening in the sports world today. Wait, this just in - some breaking sports news. Mike Greenberg of ESPN’s Mike & Mike show is not going to welsh on his bracket bet after all. Greeny is set to milk a cow live on cable television tomorrow morning. Apparently, Courtney Love had a previous engagement so they had to settle on a Bovine named “Sox”.

Thanks to the Playboy empire, the masses will be privy to Amanda’s Beard. Sorry I couldn’t resist. When questioned about appearing in the magazine, the highly successful Olympic champ explained that she’s earned seven gold medals, and this in no way would diminish her accomplishments. Also mentioning that Playboy  is an “iconic magazine”, Beard stated that she looks at her nude layout in an “artistic way”. Sounds a little naive to me.  In the world of Playboy, women are viewed as mere sex objects. They want to present women entirely in a sexual nature, rather than who they are or what they have accomplished. You’re hot, famous and guys(and some girls as well) that know little else about you want to bone you. This spread will do nothing but feed that fantasy. And unfortunately, it will detract from your image as a successful athlete and model. Here’s a little secret Amanda, guy’s aren’t looking at the pictures because the human body is beautiful or because we appreciate “artistic” photography. However, in a way, the magazine that specializes in fantasy can be considered somewhat artistic. Many a wall has been painted, with the magazine in hand (and something else in the other).

Tomorrow night, Jet’s head coach Eric Mangini will guest star in a bit part on the declining HBO series, the Sopranos. My big question - is it already the second to last episode? Just when you thought last years episodes were as lame as the Sopranos could be, the final season comes out.  Can we call our local cable company and get a refund? Maybe the producers and writers were smoking the same kind of Peyote that Tony and the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader were doing a couple shows ago. Good news, however, the series is finally coming to an end, just like a majority of the writers and producers brain cells. The plot will surely be designed to maximize profits for the forthcoming Sopranos movie. I can hardly wait until 2010 to see it. It’ll be just like the Shrek sequels, without the animation.

Heck I thought the NHL disbanded a few years ago. Are they back? If a puck hits the net and no one sees it, does it still count as a goal? Last thing I remember, hockey popularity was on the rise, Tampa Bay won the cup, life for the NHL was good. Fighting over a fistfull of dollars, the players and owners shut the league down. Now apparenlty they’re playing again? I guess a lot of us didn’t get the memo that they were back. Or maybe we just didn’t care. It’ll take another great Team USA effort one of these winters, another Gretsky, or perhaps Labron lacing up the skates to generate any kind of mass interest in the NHL again.