America’s Game
January 3rd, 2008 by Ross Grant
“I make my living off the evening news. Just give me something-something I can use. People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry!”, once sung by an American artist before he sold out to Walmart. Interesting that the Major League Baseball steroids non-issue, a decade too late, is coming to a head during an election year. Imagine that. Hey Republican stiffs, we love home runs, we don’t want snakes and sparklers! We want whistling bungholes, spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don’ts! Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick … and at least one Whistling Kitty-Chaser!! Hey, we all loved the home-runs in the 90s. Especially the owners that whisked the cash out of our working class pockets like a slick carney hustler. Now they want to sucker us in twice by making us believe that, ten years later, they give a shit about the integrity of America’s game. Well they don’t, they just want to get re-elected.
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Padres pitcher David Wells was suspended seven games for his outburst in last Saturday’s match-up against the Braves. He was matter-a-factly ejected for arguing balls and strikes. Apparently Wells did not see eye to eye with umpire Ed Hickox. He subsequently fired a ball at the backstop and had to be restrained by teammates and coaches. When questioned about the suspension handed down Wells stated, “Pretty soon we’re all going to put skirts on … we’re all going to play softball”. He went on to say, “They’re going to make us throw underhand … if you throw overhand, you’ll get a 20-game suspension.” Some of the most colorful baseball quotes this year! Although sexist in nature, I can see Boomer’s point. When political correctness gets out of hand in sports, we need a ”man show” man like Wells to balance things out. And besides, it really is getting to the point where “you can’t do anything”. The NHL lets their players slug it out with each other, right there on the ice. Heck, in baseball a manager can’t even have a little sand-kicking fun with an umpire. But really, every dark cloud has a silver lining. Sure it’s seven days, but actually that’s only one start. And fortunately, it’ll give Boomer 4 days to detox from his forthcoming 3-day bender.
None of today’s homerun derby contestants could knock one into McCovey Cove? Maybe at next year’s derby the league should make corked bats and ephedra mandatory! The MLB homerun derby has naturally evolved into a non-event and has gone the way of the NBA’s slam dunk competition. It started out cool, but has now become a mind-numbingly boring waste of time. It should be replaced with some other type of non-sport. How about a hot-dog eating, poker playing, ucf style fighting, beer-swilling extravaganza? The Non-Sports Decathlon starts off as a friendly game of poker, but can break out into a street fight at any moment. And all the while the contestants are chugging beer to gain extra points. Then down the most ball-park style hot-dogs without blowing choad and you gain even more bonus points (and cred with your homeys). The winner of the non-sport decathlon will not only win the coveted Pewter Medal (precision crafted by the Franklin Mint), but will also have their choice of a complementary gastric bypass, a free month at the Betty Ford Clinic or free trailer park rent paid for life. Get rid of pitchers hiding behind nets and bring on the pitchers of beer. Let the non-sports games begin!
Baseball is America’s game. Our country is about the voice of the people. What could be more fitting on this Independence Day 2007? As in the past as now, back in the days of an even more unpopular war, we didn’t listen to ”the man”. And again this time we didn’t listen to the media, Congress or the MLB brass. Mr. Selig (commissioner of MLB), regarding the former, you’ll have to find another scapegoat in your league’s quest for absolution (from the so-called steroids era). No longer will you have to waste league’s money on your own self-indulgent pursuits. America has spoken. Maybe you underestimated the intelligence of sports fans across the country. It turns out Barry Bonds is not the bad guy after all!
Two stick figures in the top 10? Yi got to be kidding me! Did I just get jettisoned back in time 10 or 15 years? What are the Bucks and Kings thinking? Hey folks, the cowbell era is long gone. Milwaukee and Sacramento - F. No I changed my mind, F minus! But there’s a reason why these same teams consistently waste high round picks on bad choices. Bad teams pick high in the draft. And why is that? Because they’re bad teams (light bulb turns on). Bad records, bad management, bad trades, bad draft picks, bad organizations … the list goes on. The circular logic really makes sense here. Mamma says, “stupid is as stupid does”.
