“I make my living off the evening news. Just give me something-something I can use. People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry!”, once sung by an American artist before he sold out to Walmart. Interesting that the Major League Baseball steroids non-issue, a decade too late, is coming to a head during an election year. Imagine that. Hey Republican stiffs, we love home runs, we don’t want snakes and sparklers! We want whistling bungholes, spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don’ts! Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick … and at least one Whistling Kitty-Chaser!! Hey, we all loved the home-runs in the 90s. Especially the owners that whisked the cash out of our working class pockets like a slick carney hustler. Now they want to sucker us in twice by making us believe that, ten years later, they give a shit about the integrity of America’s game. Well they don’t, they just want to get re-elected.

Padres pitcher David Wells was suspended seven games for his outburst in last Saturday’s match-up against the Braves. He was matter-a-factly ejected for arguing balls and strikes. Apparently Wells did not see eye to eye with umpire Ed Hickox. He subsequently fired a ball at the backstop and had to be restrained by teammates and coaches. When questioned about the suspension handed down Wells stated, “Pretty soon we’re all going to put skirts on … we’re all going to play softball”. He went on to say, “They’re going to make us throw underhand … if you throw overhand, you’ll get a 20-game suspension.” Some of the most colorful baseball quotes this year! Although sexist in nature, I can see Boomer’s point. When political correctness gets out of hand in sports, we need a ”man show” man like Wells to balance things out. And besides, it really is getting to the point where “you can’t do anything”. The NHL lets their players slug it out with each other, right there on the ice. Heck, in baseball a manager can’t even have a little sand-kicking fun with an umpire. But really, every dark cloud has a silver lining. Sure it’s seven days, but actually that’s only one start. And fortunately, it’ll give Boomer 4 days to detox from his forthcoming 3-day bender.